Weary and Burdened

As a young mother we tend to put our needs and wants on the back burner, including our health.  I for one, am guilty of this.  Now my brain and my body are saying, "I'm so tired and I just want rest!!" Physically and emotionally burnt out.  I've been stressed as far back as I can remember. Stressing to get my body pregnant, stressing over a law suit over our new home, then stressing about a screaming baby, working our way through the system for a diagnosis for Carter, dealing with the diagnosis and insurance, Cooper came along, Cody's new job and moving.  Whew, what a crazy last 8 years it's been.  I've had PCOS forever, although it wasn't till I was 20 to get a diagnosis.  I think that my PCOS is now waving a huge flag at my body and saying, "Hey you, yea you! Im still here and Im not going away.  All this stress you've been dealing with has made things ever worse and now you have more health issues." My brain tells me that something has to give.  I feel like I go from one stress to another.  When will I catch a break?? Then my heart kicks in and says how selfish of you.  There are so many sick children in this world and people fighting cancer and all kinds of terrible illnesses. But I keep thinking in my head how much I just wish that I could get a body "do over".  My body is riddled with problems and I feel like Ive been making all these great efforts to get well but my body isn't responding.  I had some blood work done last week and found out my body is producing no progesterone.  None, as in not traceable amounts, post menopausal range.  I feel sorry for myself and am riddled with confusion but I told Cody I have to remember that at least my body got it right twice.  I have two beautiful kids and that's more than some women ever get.  While I'm frustrated with my body I came across a pin on Pinterest that was a picture from a book by C. S. Lewis. It was a prayer of contentment and it said, "I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking." Wow!! It's hard to understand why God has given me the struggle of PCOS and all my medical issues, but it's not always about me understanding that.  God created me this way for a reason, his reason.  I can think about how great life would be without this but this is who God wanted me to be.  I will fight for my health but I should be content knowing that I am wonderfully made.  It's so hard to focus on me when I have two energetic boys running around but I want to be around to see that so I have to get healthy and I have to make me a priority.  But first….I want rest. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Matthew 11:28

To the ones circulating the story about inducing labor causing autism...

I have so many emotions floating around on this article I'm having a hard time knowing where to start.  As a mother of a child with Autism I have to say I'm getting pretty tired of seeing these articles.  Every week it seems like someone has a new theory on what's causing Autism.  The keyword in that sentence is theory. That's all they are in my opinion.  While I very much would like to believe that one day they will find the 'reason' or 'cause' for Autism, it kills me to read articles that suggest that it's the parent fault.  The father is older, the mother is overweight, the mother has diabetes, the parents were exposed to toxins, the child received vaccinations and now inducing labor.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't catch myself wondering if something I did caused Carter to have Autism.  But the reality is, it doesn't matter.  God knew Carter before he was even in my womb, he knew that Carter would have Autism and I have to believe that's the way God wanted him to be.  I know that I would have never done anything intentionally to cause my son to have Autism and so I have to be at peace with that.  While some mothers are opting to induce labor for a day that's convenient for them, that isn't the case for all moms.  Carter was passed due with no signs of natural labor coming on, he was running out of room and the environment was no longer good for him.  Was I happy about it? No, but what was I to do.  Cooper was induced one week before my due date because Carter was almost 9 lbs and we didn't want Cooper to be to big, so we induced.  Cooper does not have Autism.  The problem with this so called theory is that it is flawed.  Why does Carter have Autism and Cooper does not?  They are both my children and they were both induced.  I understand that the medical community is trying to educate women on how to prevent their children from having Autism but the fact of the matter is nothing has come out saying yes the is 100% what causes Autism.  I think the most important thing to do is be healthy.  Educate yourself and go with your gut instinct on everything.  Do what you believe is best for your baby not you. I truly believe that your child has Autism or they don't.  It's not something you can cure but you can teach them how to manage their symptoms better.  In the early stage of diagnosis I would find myself asking, "Why?"  Why has this happened to our family, to Carter? What did we do wrong?  But now I can look back and see what a blessing he is and has been to us.  Doing our research on Autism and his leaky gut forced us to be educated about our food.  Where it comes from and how much of an impact that has on us and our bodies.  His diagnosis has forced me to lean on God more than I ever have in my life. In the midst of the hard times when I don't know what to do I call out to God asking him for strength.   I will praise him in this storm.  He has taught me to have more patience.  I still struggle with it but I am better and it's still a process.  While he can be a handful at times he can be such a ray of sunshine.  While the dangers of talking to strangers is stressed to him it doesn't stop him from talking to everyone he meets.  He is so social, he may ask inaporopriate questions at times like, "What's your address? How old are you?"  While it can bother me that he feels the need to talk to everyone, it bothers me more when he is so polite to other people and they ignore him and act like he is the weird one.  Had it not been for his Autism, I would have never been the one to homeschool my children.  But because of that diagnose I was more willing to accept that instruction from God.  Bottom line, I can see how being on the outside and how people think that having a child with Autism is a death sentence but that's not the case.  Every child on the spectrum is different, some higher functioning than others but each child is a blessing from God.  When these articles and so called theories come out and start getting posted all over social media, please stop and think about the parents of these children.  Don't assume that having a child with Autism is a curse and don't make us feel like our children our less worthy than your 'typical' children.  I hope no parent would knowingly do anything to cause their child to have a disability but please don't make us feel guilty for something that isn't even proven.  If your meant to have a child with special needs that's just your destiny.  You can try and have a child while the father is 'younger', you can have a child and not have diabetes or be overweight during pregnancy, you can try and avoid toxins at all cost, you can refuse to vaccinate your child, and you can refuse to induce labor but the honest to God truth is, If it's meant to be it's meant to be.  Embrace what you are given and accept it. Having a child with Autism has forced me have a more christ centered life and that in itself is a gift that keeps on giving.

Hello, again

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged.  A lot has happened in our lives the past several months.  Cody got a new job, we lived apart for one long month, we sold our house, bought a new house, lost our precious dog to cancer and are just now trying to adjust to this new life.  We didn't move as far as we had hoped but because of all the ups and downs of his previous job interviews, God had prepared my heart to be open to anywhere he wanted us to be.  We are only 3 hours away from our old home but it's definitely taking a while to get in a new swing of things.  I knew going into the move that there would be a little bit of a blue period for me during the adjustment.  Moving to a place that I don't know a soul, having no friends, losing MOPS from my life, the kids losing friends, losing all the perks of a big city, trying to find a new church is just to name a few.  In the beginning it was okay, I stayed so busy unpacking our things and doing things around the new home that kept my occupied and my mind busy.  Once all that was done reality started to come into check and force me to remember everything that I had left behind.  Yesterday Carter said, "I miss my kids in Dallas."  I said, "You're friends?" He said, "Yes!" I told him "Me too!"  It breaks my heart that even he is starting to get lonely from the move.  We have had the worst time trying to find a church home here so the opportunities to make friends has been hard.  Cody has been working a lot because the new hospital he is working for is opening a new hospital next week and it has been extremely demanding of his time to get everything ready.  The kids have taken it pretty hard with him coming home late and working parts of the weekends.  I'm hoping that all comes to an end in the next couple weeks and our lives can go back to semi normal.  I keep praying that God will show me his purpose for our lives now that we are relocated.  Sometimes it doesn't seem to make sense but i know only in time will his grand plan all be revealed.  I will try and update more often but its been so busy.  I love blogging as a way to get everything out, so I need to try and keep it up.  Hope everyone is doing well!

This is it..Day 10

So my last post stated that I was going to go for 14 days of fasting.  But after a couple of medical issues that have come up, I decided it was best to stop at my original goal of 10 days.  I think the sugar from the apples and such is getting to me and my body just doesn't handle sugars well.  I'm thinking its made my hormones a little off.  I have to say I am really proud of myself.  I can't believe that as much as I struggle with having will power and self control when it comes to food I was able to pull this off.  Just goes to show you really can do anything if you set your mind to it.  I think the mind setting is the hardest part.  When you fully embrace something, knowing it probably won't be smooth sailing.  This has shown me that if I can fast for 10 days and not eat one thing of food that I do have the self control to say no to certain types of food.  It's going to be hard, but I can do it, I'm able.  One time during my fast Carter was being a real piece of work, the backtalk, the attitude, the meltdowns.  I was at my ends.  Cooper had gotten our bed curtain in the fan and I yelled at him about how many times did I have to tell him to leave that alone.  He immediately cried and you could see all over his face his feelings were hurt.  It made my heart sink and I felt terrible.  I immediately dug down inside and told him I was sorry for yelling but he needed to listen and leave it alone before he broke the fan.  While this had occurred Carter was in his room for bad behavior and while screaming to come out, I felt even worse about how I have so much heart for Cooper and less for Carter.  Why is that?  Our relationship has never been easy.  From the first few weeks of Carter being born he screamed, all the time.  For about the 1st year of his life.  Walking around trying to burp him, my arm across his belly ache.  It was extremely hard while Cody worked and no family to help out.  I was stressed to the max and I literally just tried to make it day to day.  We didn't have that normal bonding time.  While I know now that Carter's issues stem from his Autism, it's hard to put the pieces together now.  Everything is a struggle for me and for him when it comes to his behavior.  I'm always on the edge to correct him, or discipline him.  It's just been that way forever.  While I think most of me pushing him has benefited him it has also damaged our relationship.  What does this have to do with fasting?  While I sat in the floor after Coopers mishap and listened to Carter scream, I had a mini meltdown.  A few tears were shed, praying for God to first give me mercy for my coldish heart towards him and secondly to give me grace when it comes to him.  I wish and pray that one day I can have more of a relationship with him like I have with Cooper. I wish I had more mercy on Carter.  Some things he can control and he does know what he's doing but others he doesn't.  It's in those moments I need to show him grace and mercy.  If I had not been fasting I probably would have just turned to a food to ease the stress and emotions.  But in that moment I found myself turing to God for guidance amongst the stress.  I hope that I can remember everything that I have learned about myself during this fast and put it to great use.  Medically speaking I lost 8 lbs as of today.  Not a huge loss but I do feel better and my clothes are less snug.   Even though today is my last day and I'm so close to being done I find myself saying ,"Just go ahead and eat!".  But I'm NOT. I said 10 days and I'm sticking to it!!

7 days down another 7 to go

Today is the 7th day of fasting.  I'm surprised I've made it this far but I have.  Emotionally it's been a roller coaster ride.  Wanting to give up and not.  Hungry, then not so hungry.  One thing that has been constant has been the energy level has stayed up, which has been a blessing.  But because I've been busy all day Im super tired at night.  So far I've lost 7 lbs.  While I'm glad that I have lost some weight, I'm feeling really down today that I haven't lost more.  I'm getting discouraged.  If it were just a weight issue I think I would be much more acceptable of where I am.  My hormones are worrying me sick.  Trying to make the decision of losing weight the long and slow way is desirable because it's the natural way to do it.  But in the mean time my lack of a cycle is a concern.  Maybe I should just take the diabetes meds.  That's the only time I've known my body to lose the weight and keep it off.  Once my body gets down to 150 lbs my hormones seem to always regulate themselves.  The thought of taking this medicine forever though is a downer and would also pose life long effects. Starting the medicine is always hard on my body as well because if I eat anything with a lot of carbs/sugar I get very ill to my stomach.  While it does it's job, I'm unsure how healthy it is to not be able to eat fruits and vegetables.  All I can do is pray about it and ask that God will give me some guidance on what is the most healthiest thing for me and my body.  I originally said I would fast for 10 days.  But I have decided Im going to do it for a full two weeks.  14 days of no food.  No chewing.  I've made it this far so I'm sure I can make it.  Trying to figure out what to do next is the hard part........

I don't quit, I persevere

Next week in homeschool Carter will be learning about the turtle.  The turtle stands for..I don't quit, I persevere.  Quite fitting for my struggles with juicing this week.  In my handbook for homeschooling it has the verse Galatians 6:9.  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  As I type this blog, the boys are eating lunch. Spaghetti for one and a turkey sandwich on gluten free bread.  Torture I tell you, that's what it feels like for me every time I go to make them a meal.  That's 6 meals a day plus snacks, it's taking everything I have in me to not just sink my teeth into anything.  So how has my journey been going?  Well Thursday was supposed to be day 1.  We juiced for breakfast, lunch and then we got caught in Frisco at dinner time/rush hour traffic. The kids were hungry and we had been shopping to get Cooper's big boy bedroom.  So of course we decided to cave in and go to Posados, umm Posados.  I told myself that it was silly to start a juice fast right before the weekend anyway.  Weekends are always hard for me because of Cody's 16 hr shifts at the hospital and Im here every weekend all day long with the boys.  Some weekends it takes all I have to not pull my hair out, why would I add the anger of hunger to the list.  After our delicious meal, it started to come up, the lump in my throat, GUILT!  Ugh, It was so good but I felt so bad.  If I say Im going to do something, I do it.  It's who I am, except with food, its always been my weakness.  Satan knows that and he hits me hard with it. It's an emotional crutch. Friday I juiced, breakfast, lunch, snack and then dinner came time.  The hunger was setting in...hard.  We had 4 ripe avocados on the counter, I didn't want them to go to waste, yea another excuse.  I was getting a headache, the kids were acting up and I just thought, forget it I'm not wasting that food.  So Cody and I sat down and made homemade organic guacamole.  It was so good, it always is.  Since we had already ruined our day why not add some halloween candy to top it off.  LOL, yup we did.  What happened afterwards?  That's right that feeling in my throat, GUILT.  Friday night Cody and I got right in the kitchen and juiced and juiced 192 oz of juice for Saturday.  I am happy and miserable at the same time to report I have not eaten since Friday night.  That's right, about 39 hrs and going with not one meal, not one chew.  A 16 oz cup of juice lasts about 2 hrs before the hunger creeps up again.  I try to hold off and sometimes I just have to close my eyes and say, "God, Please take this hunger away!  Give me the strength to see this through.  Help me to make my body healthy and take this opportunity to teach me how to rely on you more."  While I might stay hungry, it does seem to ease off a bit after prayer, which is such a comfort.  The thought of doing this for 8 more days is really hard to think about so I'm trying not to think about it that much.  Taking it day by day is all I can do.  Saturday I finally just told myself that the longer I put off going a full day was another day I had to start over.  So that was my motivation.  As far as results, even though we had 2 days of dinner mishaps, I have noticed my skin is much clearer.  Weight loss, this morning I weighed and nothing, but I weighed again later it looked like I lost 2 lbs, so not sure how accurate that is.  It's a little early still but I will keep you updated.  Spiritually, the results have been grace and to persevere.  We are so blessed to have Gods grace when we fail but it's important to remember that just because we fail doesn't mean we can't start over or try again. Working through the hard times will have a reward.  Well I am off to Sprouts to stock up on organic kale, cucumbers and apples.  

Juicing Fast!

A couple weeks ago Cody and I watched the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  It truly inspired us to do a juice fast.  There are many pros to doing a juice fast.  Weight loss is one, but also it's a great way to detox your body.  I've struggled with weight forever.  I know that getting on diabetes medicine will force me control what I put in my mouth but I'm out to prove to myself that I can gain self control in my eating options.  I just went a week without Facebook, if I can do that and come out not really wanting to get back on there, I think I can juice.  The goal is to juice for at least 10 days but we are hoping to do it for close to 30 days. It's going to be really hard for us because we both love food but we both need to change our lifestyle. We have been eating organic for years but we need to eat more of natures food.  Vegetables, I dislike with a passion, but I'm just going to have to swallow it and retrain my body, mind and taste buds.  After we complete our juice fast what's our game plan?  Paleo eating.  Google it.  No grains, no potatoes, and no legumes, etc.  I know this is a lifestyle our whole family can do since its naturally gluten and diary free, which is what the kids eats but also great for my PCOS. This has been such a year of growth for me. Homeschooling, no Facebook, personal growth.  I feel blessed.  Every one has come with struggles but the payoffs have been worth it.  So please pray for me these next couple of weeks as I literally 'eat' nothing and drink only juice.  I'm sure I'm going to be super cranky the first few days so I'm sorry if I lash out in hunger, haha.  I'm going into this with being overweight at 191 lbs, acne issues, no period in 4 months (thanks PCOS), breast pain, fatigued, and not sleeping great.  I'll see if all or any of them go away as I do this.    I'll keep every updated. It's morning for breakfast....carrots, apples, lemon, and fresh ginger root.  So far not bad.