Weary and Burdened

As a young mother we tend to put our needs and wants on the back burner, including our health.  I for one, am guilty of this.  Now my brain and my body are saying, "I'm so tired and I just want rest!!" Physically and emotionally burnt out.  I've been stressed as far back as I can remember. Stressing to get my body pregnant, stressing over a law suit over our new home, then stressing about a screaming baby, working our way through the system for a diagnosis for Carter, dealing with the diagnosis and insurance, Cooper came along, Cody's new job and moving.  Whew, what a crazy last 8 years it's been.  I've had PCOS forever, although it wasn't till I was 20 to get a diagnosis.  I think that my PCOS is now waving a huge flag at my body and saying, "Hey you, yea you! Im still here and Im not going away.  All this stress you've been dealing with has made things ever worse and now you have more health issues." My brain tells me that something has to give.  I feel like I go from one stress to another.  When will I catch a break?? Then my heart kicks in and says how selfish of you.  There are so many sick children in this world and people fighting cancer and all kinds of terrible illnesses. But I keep thinking in my head how much I just wish that I could get a body "do over".  My body is riddled with problems and I feel like Ive been making all these great efforts to get well but my body isn't responding.  I had some blood work done last week and found out my body is producing no progesterone.  None, as in not traceable amounts, post menopausal range.  I feel sorry for myself and am riddled with confusion but I told Cody I have to remember that at least my body got it right twice.  I have two beautiful kids and that's more than some women ever get.  While I'm frustrated with my body I came across a pin on Pinterest that was a picture from a book by C. S. Lewis. It was a prayer of contentment and it said, "I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking." Wow!! It's hard to understand why God has given me the struggle of PCOS and all my medical issues, but it's not always about me understanding that.  God created me this way for a reason, his reason.  I can think about how great life would be without this but this is who God wanted me to be.  I will fight for my health but I should be content knowing that I am wonderfully made.  It's so hard to focus on me when I have two energetic boys running around but I want to be around to see that so I have to get healthy and I have to make me a priority.  But first….I want rest. Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Matthew 11:28

To the ones circulating the story about inducing labor causing autism...

I have so many emotions floating around on this article I'm having a hard time knowing where to start.  As a mother of a child with Autism I have to say I'm getting pretty tired of seeing these articles.  Every week it seems like someone has a new theory on what's causing Autism.  The keyword in that sentence is theory. That's all they are in my opinion.  While I very much would like to believe that one day they will find the 'reason' or 'cause' for Autism, it kills me to read articles that suggest that it's the parent fault.  The father is older, the mother is overweight, the mother has diabetes, the parents were exposed to toxins, the child received vaccinations and now inducing labor.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't catch myself wondering if something I did caused Carter to have Autism.  But the reality is, it doesn't matter.  God knew Carter before he was even in my womb, he knew that Carter would have Autism and I have to believe that's the way God wanted him to be.  I know that I would have never done anything intentionally to cause my son to have Autism and so I have to be at peace with that.  While some mothers are opting to induce labor for a day that's convenient for them, that isn't the case for all moms.  Carter was passed due with no signs of natural labor coming on, he was running out of room and the environment was no longer good for him.  Was I happy about it? No, but what was I to do.  Cooper was induced one week before my due date because Carter was almost 9 lbs and we didn't want Cooper to be to big, so we induced.  Cooper does not have Autism.  The problem with this so called theory is that it is flawed.  Why does Carter have Autism and Cooper does not?  They are both my children and they were both induced.  I understand that the medical community is trying to educate women on how to prevent their children from having Autism but the fact of the matter is nothing has come out saying yes the is 100% what causes Autism.  I think the most important thing to do is be healthy.  Educate yourself and go with your gut instinct on everything.  Do what you believe is best for your baby not you. I truly believe that your child has Autism or they don't.  It's not something you can cure but you can teach them how to manage their symptoms better.  In the early stage of diagnosis I would find myself asking, "Why?"  Why has this happened to our family, to Carter? What did we do wrong?  But now I can look back and see what a blessing he is and has been to us.  Doing our research on Autism and his leaky gut forced us to be educated about our food.  Where it comes from and how much of an impact that has on us and our bodies.  His diagnosis has forced me to lean on God more than I ever have in my life. In the midst of the hard times when I don't know what to do I call out to God asking him for strength.   I will praise him in this storm.  He has taught me to have more patience.  I still struggle with it but I am better and it's still a process.  While he can be a handful at times he can be such a ray of sunshine.  While the dangers of talking to strangers is stressed to him it doesn't stop him from talking to everyone he meets.  He is so social, he may ask inaporopriate questions at times like, "What's your address? How old are you?"  While it can bother me that he feels the need to talk to everyone, it bothers me more when he is so polite to other people and they ignore him and act like he is the weird one.  Had it not been for his Autism, I would have never been the one to homeschool my children.  But because of that diagnose I was more willing to accept that instruction from God.  Bottom line, I can see how being on the outside and how people think that having a child with Autism is a death sentence but that's not the case.  Every child on the spectrum is different, some higher functioning than others but each child is a blessing from God.  When these articles and so called theories come out and start getting posted all over social media, please stop and think about the parents of these children.  Don't assume that having a child with Autism is a curse and don't make us feel like our children our less worthy than your 'typical' children.  I hope no parent would knowingly do anything to cause their child to have a disability but please don't make us feel guilty for something that isn't even proven.  If your meant to have a child with special needs that's just your destiny.  You can try and have a child while the father is 'younger', you can have a child and not have diabetes or be overweight during pregnancy, you can try and avoid toxins at all cost, you can refuse to vaccinate your child, and you can refuse to induce labor but the honest to God truth is, If it's meant to be it's meant to be.  Embrace what you are given and accept it. Having a child with Autism has forced me have a more christ centered life and that in itself is a gift that keeps on giving.

Hello, again

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged.  A lot has happened in our lives the past several months.  Cody got a new job, we lived apart for one long month, we sold our house, bought a new house, lost our precious dog to cancer and are just now trying to adjust to this new life.  We didn't move as far as we had hoped but because of all the ups and downs of his previous job interviews, God had prepared my heart to be open to anywhere he wanted us to be.  We are only 3 hours away from our old home but it's definitely taking a while to get in a new swing of things.  I knew going into the move that there would be a little bit of a blue period for me during the adjustment.  Moving to a place that I don't know a soul, having no friends, losing MOPS from my life, the kids losing friends, losing all the perks of a big city, trying to find a new church is just to name a few.  In the beginning it was okay, I stayed so busy unpacking our things and doing things around the new home that kept my occupied and my mind busy.  Once all that was done reality started to come into check and force me to remember everything that I had left behind.  Yesterday Carter said, "I miss my kids in Dallas."  I said, "You're friends?" He said, "Yes!" I told him "Me too!"  It breaks my heart that even he is starting to get lonely from the move.  We have had the worst time trying to find a church home here so the opportunities to make friends has been hard.  Cody has been working a lot because the new hospital he is working for is opening a new hospital next week and it has been extremely demanding of his time to get everything ready.  The kids have taken it pretty hard with him coming home late and working parts of the weekends.  I'm hoping that all comes to an end in the next couple weeks and our lives can go back to semi normal.  I keep praying that God will show me his purpose for our lives now that we are relocated.  Sometimes it doesn't seem to make sense but i know only in time will his grand plan all be revealed.  I will try and update more often but its been so busy.  I love blogging as a way to get everything out, so I need to try and keep it up.  Hope everyone is doing well!