The unspoken side of having a child with autism

People who don't deal with autism on a regular basis don't understand it the way we do.  They hear and read the articles about autistic children and how they are known for hand flapping, not being potty trained, and non verbal.  While this is very much the case for many children on the spectrum it's not always the case.  Starting this journey in autism I would take Carter to multiple therapies that included other autistic children.  Us parents would swap stories of diagnosis and issues of what our kids were struggling with.  More times than not the other child's autistic characteristics were worse than Carter's.   Carter is potty trained and he doesn't flap his hands.  He speaks very much and is rarely quiet.  I would often times feel like the other parents would look down on me because my kid wasn't as severe as theirs and Carter didn't need those services like their kids did.  He didn't struggle like their kids.  I wasn't there looking to compare, I was looking to fit in to find support.  Fit in to show our struggles and receive helpful tidbits.  Not to have my struggles made any less meaningful or challenging.  While Carter may be potty trained and speaking, he still has his struggles and it affects the whole family.  Carter has a temper like no other.  Many people don't believe it because when he is out in public he will talk to anyone and be so sweet and nice. But here at home, in our home, its different.  If he doesn't get his way he yells and screams and tries to hit me.  If he makes a bad decision he blames everyone else saying, "It's your fault!"  If Cooper makes a mistake Carter is the first one to shout out that Cooper is a failure or he did this or that.  He thinks its his job to be the parent. A mean parent. In his mind he isn't a child and he can do what he wants to do.  He deliberately disobeys.  Not always but more than not.  I'll ask Carter to do something and he won't listen and or only does it on his time and not right away.  I understand he has Autism but I refuse to let that be a excuse for bad behavior.  Bad behavior has a consequence.  That's how the real world works.  When he doesn't obey and he gets in trouble he then proceeds to slam his door and shout out to me that I'm a bad mom, he doesn't love me and he doesn't even like me.  He says I don't want to be good, I want to bad. I don't want to see you anymore.  You don't let me do anything fun, etc, etc......I understand that he doesn't always understand what he says but that can make it feel that much more hateful.  He doesn't understand what he's saying but yet he knows all the things to say to hurt people.  He doesn't understand that those words leave marks and once you hear those words over and over they never go away, not even with a "Sorry Momma".  I try and be strong and hold it all together but after so many I hate you's from your child how are you not affected by that.  It's really trying when I out my whole soul into something trying to help him and doing everything I know to do and it all goes unnoticed bu him.  Homeschooling, the fighting, the medical costs, it's really hard.  Its a sacrifice that Im taking because I want the best for him.  I just pray and pray that it will pay off and that God has his back.  I don't know what the future holds for him.  God already has Carter's destiny planned out.  I know things could be a lot worse and people have different struggles but Im just trying to say that us moms with the high functioning autistic kids don't have it so easy.  Our lives aren't gravy because our kids can talk.  Our lives are filled with arguments and hurtful words followed up with apologies when you don't even know if they are really sorry or not.  They do want they want to do and everyone else is just along for the ride.  Siblings watch their behavior and they are confused and hurt by the things that are said and done to them, not really understanding why.  Trying to find the balance between grace and discipline is hard because we don't know what all they fully understand while not letting bad behavior go unnoticed. Recently a therapist advised me that when he says mean and hurtful things to others to ask him to write down all the reasons why he loves that person.  It's good for the person whose feelings got hurt to hear and supposedly good for Carter to think of the good things.  So after a melt down a couple of days ago I thought I would throw that into play.   I asked him to write all the reasons that he loves me.  He said I didn't let him do anything fun and I didn't love him.  I told him that was not true and that if I didn't love him I wouldn't take him to play dates or worry about if he had food, clothes etc.  He went in his room with paper and pen and said he couldn't think of anything.  He then wrote the things that I said...I feed him, He has a bed, etc.  But halfway down, after he wrote all the things I had said, he was completely stumped.  He said he couldn't think of anything and started naming things that didn't even make sense.  I try and let my feelings not be hurt but its more sad knowing that he doesn't know what it means to write or say the reasons you love someone.  Just because our kids speak doesn't make our lives easier.  They still can't communicate how they feel effectively. When trying express a hard day the last thing a autistic parent wants to hear is another parent say that their neurotypical kids do the same thing, or say the same thing because its not the same.  Those kids aren't on the same level and comprehension that our kids are on and they just won't get it.  Im not asking for sympathy but I do ask for prayers.  This is the life God gave us and we have to try and make the best of it and do the best we can but it's so hard and trying to figure out how to be a parent and how to be a parent to an autistic child.