This is it..Day 10

So my last post stated that I was going to go for 14 days of fasting.  But after a couple of medical issues that have come up, I decided it was best to stop at my original goal of 10 days.  I think the sugar from the apples and such is getting to me and my body just doesn't handle sugars well.  I'm thinking its made my hormones a little off.  I have to say I am really proud of myself.  I can't believe that as much as I struggle with having will power and self control when it comes to food I was able to pull this off.  Just goes to show you really can do anything if you set your mind to it.  I think the mind setting is the hardest part.  When you fully embrace something, knowing it probably won't be smooth sailing.  This has shown me that if I can fast for 10 days and not eat one thing of food that I do have the self control to say no to certain types of food.  It's going to be hard, but I can do it, I'm able.  One time during my fast Carter was being a real piece of work, the backtalk, the attitude, the meltdowns.  I was at my ends.  Cooper had gotten our bed curtain in the fan and I yelled at him about how many times did I have to tell him to leave that alone.  He immediately cried and you could see all over his face his feelings were hurt.  It made my heart sink and I felt terrible.  I immediately dug down inside and told him I was sorry for yelling but he needed to listen and leave it alone before he broke the fan.  While this had occurred Carter was in his room for bad behavior and while screaming to come out, I felt even worse about how I have so much heart for Cooper and less for Carter.  Why is that?  Our relationship has never been easy.  From the first few weeks of Carter being born he screamed, all the time.  For about the 1st year of his life.  Walking around trying to burp him, my arm across his belly ache.  It was extremely hard while Cody worked and no family to help out.  I was stressed to the max and I literally just tried to make it day to day.  We didn't have that normal bonding time.  While I know now that Carter's issues stem from his Autism, it's hard to put the pieces together now.  Everything is a struggle for me and for him when it comes to his behavior.  I'm always on the edge to correct him, or discipline him.  It's just been that way forever.  While I think most of me pushing him has benefited him it has also damaged our relationship.  What does this have to do with fasting?  While I sat in the floor after Coopers mishap and listened to Carter scream, I had a mini meltdown.  A few tears were shed, praying for God to first give me mercy for my coldish heart towards him and secondly to give me grace when it comes to him.  I wish and pray that one day I can have more of a relationship with him like I have with Cooper. I wish I had more mercy on Carter.  Some things he can control and he does know what he's doing but others he doesn't.  It's in those moments I need to show him grace and mercy.  If I had not been fasting I probably would have just turned to a food to ease the stress and emotions.  But in that moment I found myself turing to God for guidance amongst the stress.  I hope that I can remember everything that I have learned about myself during this fast and put it to great use.  Medically speaking I lost 8 lbs as of today.  Not a huge loss but I do feel better and my clothes are less snug.   Even though today is my last day and I'm so close to being done I find myself saying ,"Just go ahead and eat!".  But I'm NOT. I said 10 days and I'm sticking to it!!

7 days down another 7 to go

Today is the 7th day of fasting.  I'm surprised I've made it this far but I have.  Emotionally it's been a roller coaster ride.  Wanting to give up and not.  Hungry, then not so hungry.  One thing that has been constant has been the energy level has stayed up, which has been a blessing.  But because I've been busy all day Im super tired at night.  So far I've lost 7 lbs.  While I'm glad that I have lost some weight, I'm feeling really down today that I haven't lost more.  I'm getting discouraged.  If it were just a weight issue I think I would be much more acceptable of where I am.  My hormones are worrying me sick.  Trying to make the decision of losing weight the long and slow way is desirable because it's the natural way to do it.  But in the mean time my lack of a cycle is a concern.  Maybe I should just take the diabetes meds.  That's the only time I've known my body to lose the weight and keep it off.  Once my body gets down to 150 lbs my hormones seem to always regulate themselves.  The thought of taking this medicine forever though is a downer and would also pose life long effects. Starting the medicine is always hard on my body as well because if I eat anything with a lot of carbs/sugar I get very ill to my stomach.  While it does it's job, I'm unsure how healthy it is to not be able to eat fruits and vegetables.  All I can do is pray about it and ask that God will give me some guidance on what is the most healthiest thing for me and my body.  I originally said I would fast for 10 days.  But I have decided Im going to do it for a full two weeks.  14 days of no food.  No chewing.  I've made it this far so I'm sure I can make it.  Trying to figure out what to do next is the hard part........

I don't quit, I persevere

Next week in homeschool Carter will be learning about the turtle.  The turtle stands for..I don't quit, I persevere.  Quite fitting for my struggles with juicing this week.  In my handbook for homeschooling it has the verse Galatians 6:9.  Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  As I type this blog, the boys are eating lunch. Spaghetti for one and a turkey sandwich on gluten free bread.  Torture I tell you, that's what it feels like for me every time I go to make them a meal.  That's 6 meals a day plus snacks, it's taking everything I have in me to not just sink my teeth into anything.  So how has my journey been going?  Well Thursday was supposed to be day 1.  We juiced for breakfast, lunch and then we got caught in Frisco at dinner time/rush hour traffic. The kids were hungry and we had been shopping to get Cooper's big boy bedroom.  So of course we decided to cave in and go to Posados, umm Posados.  I told myself that it was silly to start a juice fast right before the weekend anyway.  Weekends are always hard for me because of Cody's 16 hr shifts at the hospital and Im here every weekend all day long with the boys.  Some weekends it takes all I have to not pull my hair out, why would I add the anger of hunger to the list.  After our delicious meal, it started to come up, the lump in my throat, GUILT!  Ugh, It was so good but I felt so bad.  If I say Im going to do something, I do it.  It's who I am, except with food, its always been my weakness.  Satan knows that and he hits me hard with it. It's an emotional crutch. Friday I juiced, breakfast, lunch, snack and then dinner came time.  The hunger was setting in...hard.  We had 4 ripe avocados on the counter, I didn't want them to go to waste, yea another excuse.  I was getting a headache, the kids were acting up and I just thought, forget it I'm not wasting that food.  So Cody and I sat down and made homemade organic guacamole.  It was so good, it always is.  Since we had already ruined our day why not add some halloween candy to top it off.  LOL, yup we did.  What happened afterwards?  That's right that feeling in my throat, GUILT.  Friday night Cody and I got right in the kitchen and juiced and juiced 192 oz of juice for Saturday.  I am happy and miserable at the same time to report I have not eaten since Friday night.  That's right, about 39 hrs and going with not one meal, not one chew.  A 16 oz cup of juice lasts about 2 hrs before the hunger creeps up again.  I try to hold off and sometimes I just have to close my eyes and say, "God, Please take this hunger away!  Give me the strength to see this through.  Help me to make my body healthy and take this opportunity to teach me how to rely on you more."  While I might stay hungry, it does seem to ease off a bit after prayer, which is such a comfort.  The thought of doing this for 8 more days is really hard to think about so I'm trying not to think about it that much.  Taking it day by day is all I can do.  Saturday I finally just told myself that the longer I put off going a full day was another day I had to start over.  So that was my motivation.  As far as results, even though we had 2 days of dinner mishaps, I have noticed my skin is much clearer.  Weight loss, this morning I weighed and nothing, but I weighed again later it looked like I lost 2 lbs, so not sure how accurate that is.  It's a little early still but I will keep you updated.  Spiritually, the results have been grace and to persevere.  We are so blessed to have Gods grace when we fail but it's important to remember that just because we fail doesn't mean we can't start over or try again. Working through the hard times will have a reward.  Well I am off to Sprouts to stock up on organic kale, cucumbers and apples.  

Juicing Fast!

A couple weeks ago Cody and I watched the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.  It truly inspired us to do a juice fast.  There are many pros to doing a juice fast.  Weight loss is one, but also it's a great way to detox your body.  I've struggled with weight forever.  I know that getting on diabetes medicine will force me control what I put in my mouth but I'm out to prove to myself that I can gain self control in my eating options.  I just went a week without Facebook, if I can do that and come out not really wanting to get back on there, I think I can juice.  The goal is to juice for at least 10 days but we are hoping to do it for close to 30 days. It's going to be really hard for us because we both love food but we both need to change our lifestyle. We have been eating organic for years but we need to eat more of natures food.  Vegetables, I dislike with a passion, but I'm just going to have to swallow it and retrain my body, mind and taste buds.  After we complete our juice fast what's our game plan?  Paleo eating.  Google it.  No grains, no potatoes, and no legumes, etc.  I know this is a lifestyle our whole family can do since its naturally gluten and diary free, which is what the kids eats but also great for my PCOS. This has been such a year of growth for me. Homeschooling, no Facebook, personal growth.  I feel blessed.  Every one has come with struggles but the payoffs have been worth it.  So please pray for me these next couple of weeks as I literally 'eat' nothing and drink only juice.  I'm sure I'm going to be super cranky the first few days so I'm sorry if I lash out in hunger, haha.  I'm going into this with being overweight at 191 lbs, acne issues, no period in 4 months (thanks PCOS), breast pain, fatigued, and not sleeping great.  I'll see if all or any of them go away as I do this.    I'll keep every updated. It's morning for breakfast....carrots, apples, lemon, and fresh ginger root.  So far not bad.

Facebookingly Surprised

So those of you who are on my Facebook are aware that last Sunday I announced I was going to take a one week hiatus from Facebook.  I was really nervous if I could pull it off.  I honestly had my doubts, I was what you would call a bit of an addict.  I would frequent Facebook often, so how could I go cold turkey and just not get on for a week?  Well....I did it and I was shockingly surprised how EASY it was. Yes, easy! There were definite times of thinking about it, especially at times when I visited most.  Waiting for Carter at Occupational Therapy, anytime our TV show would cut to a commercial, and also in the mornings as I tried to wake up. But I would remind myself that I was taking a break and then go on doing other things.  It was honestly not bad at all and as I complete my week tomorrow I find myself going, "Man its almost over? Im kinda not ready to get back on there." Seriously, did I just think that?  Yes, yes I did.  It has been so nice to not be bogged down by feeling like I have to check it to be in the loop. Im sure I have missed several things while I've been away but being away has served its purpose.  I shouldn't waste away my days with things that really aren't important.  If something serious enough happens I know that I have friends who will call me and let me know.  Also it's been nice not having the feelings of guilt associated with some peoples posts and wondering if someones post was meant for me.  I seriously can't spend ONE minute of my life worrying about something like that.  If someone has bad feelings about me then I don't need to stress about their vague post.  It's up to that person to approach me in a personal manner if they have something they need to say to me.  No more wondering about someones tone either.  It's very hard to interpret peoples tones through a Facebook comment or status.  The reason for my one week hiatus..... I needed a break.  I was taking a week to PLUNGE (MOPS mommas get me) into friendship, doing it the old fashioned way.  Phone convos, and in person.  While I succeeded in staying off Facebook for the week, I wouldn't say that I succeeded in the plunge.  I realized I don't have a lot of peoples phone numbers to call them.  But the ones I did, I did try and attempt to reach out to them.  It's not that I was avoiding my plunge, I was simply so busy trying to keep up with all the things I had been avoiding or putting off.  Maybe I should take another week off to dig deeper into friendships? Possibly.  Im thinking I will just limit myself from here on out.  Only getting on once in the morning and once at night when the kids are in the bed.  Its exhausting trying to keep up with it all day and those moments on Facebook won't bring me the type of joy that I could have had with my kids or friends. After this crazy week I don't even know how I squeezed Facebook time into my life.  Between OT visits, MOPS meetings, Homeschooling, Grocery shopping, Paying bills, Laundry, etc I have barely had time to do anything.  I have enjoyed my kids more, aside from their daily meltdowns, including one horrendous trip to the Mansfield Library, the conversations with my hubs and reading a book side by side with him.. Memories were made so it wasn't all a wash.  I do know that I enjoy doing things the old fashioned way. My friend Rachel called, well texted me, for a little girls night out.  We had girl talk, hobby lobby trip and she treated me to dinner! Im so lucky!! I enjoyed daily telephone convos with my best friend Elizabeth.  She always brings a smile to my face and a good laugh. Yesterday I received the sweetest letter, IN THE MAIL Y'ALL!, from a great MOPS mommy, Lis, who let me know she was thinking about me on my break and praying that I was having a relaxing time with my family.  Talk about taking me back, She plunged more than I did! But I loved it oh so very much!  Lesson learned from this break....Even though we have social media in our lives that makes interacting easier, most women still crave physical interaction with others.  It's not dead y'all.  Saying that makes me think of the song God's Not Dead by Newsboys.. What a great song, God isn't dead, and neither is the desire for real friendship.  It's in us, deeper in some, but it's there! Don't be afraid to let it out and roar like a lion, ok no don't do that, you might lose friends, lol.  I can assure you, you'll be pleasantly surprised with the results of reaching out to your friends with less Facebook.

Whack!

So Cody didn't get the job in Nashville.  We knew it was coming, they interviewed a total of 6 people and 3 of which already worked at the hospital.  While I was a little disappointed I kept my head high knowing that God had, in some way, used Cody for a purpose. We will probably never know what for and thats okay.  The day after the interview in Tennessee, Cody attended a workshop at Methodist about insurance benefits for next year.  He had been tipped off by another employee while he was in Nashville that they mentioned ABA for Autism.  If you don't know what that stands for, its Applied Behavior Analysis.  This is what all Autistic kids need.  This is the mother load of therapies.  If you know me, you know I've cried more tears than I can count over Carter not getting the help he needs because of the insurances lack of coverage.  Ive cried tears while on the phone with United Health Care and as well as the HR department at Methodist. While I wont get into the specifics, because this isn't a post about the scam of insurance companies, I will say its a scam and that therapy is hard to come by.  Anyways he attended the workshop to hear what all was going to be said.  They announced that they were going to start covering ABA Therapy starting in January.  Methodist also thought to pride itself saying that they currently offer some therapies for Autism already.  Yea right, They only thing my son gets is Occupational Therapy.  We fought with Methodist and United Health Care for 6 months trying to get speech covered for him and they refused.  Methodist sent us an email stating that UHC has mis worded the plan benefits and that it was never Methodists intention to pay for Speech Therapy for an Autism diagnosis.  Wow, how do you sleep at night?  Anyways, Cody stood up and addressed the HR rep and the other employees in the room about the speech issue and of course he tried to save face, so lied, that he was unaware that Speech wasn't covered. Um this is the same gentleman who sent us the email.  GRRR!!  After the meeting the HR guy told Cody that he would contact him and if he hadn't contacted Cody in a week for Cody to call him.  Ill let you guess if he called Cody!  Cody also, at the workshop, asked him what the provisions for the ABA were going to be.  Like will this only apply to non verbal children or only aggressive children, etc... The guy told him that none of that had been decided yet, they just knew they were going to offer it.  He then told Cody that WE were the reason they were going to offer it.  While I should be jumping for joy in excitement, I can't help but be skeptical.  This is the same company who won't give us speech.  While I am grateful that all my tears have paid off and they were obviously listening, Im just unsure if this will effect us or not.  Even if Carter won't get the therapy because of some provision they put on it, it does my heart good knowing that someday someone's precious child will get the benefits they need and deserve.....  So you all know from previous posts that our hearts desire has been to move.  So when this came along one day after an interview we were really confused.  Whack! Um, so should we move so that Cody has an opportunity to advance in his career and work less hours? Or should he stay at his dead end job busting his butt and Carter maybe, possibly get the help he needs?  The next day after the workshop, Cody got an email from a hospital in Oklahoma telling him to give them a call.  I asked Cody, "Why would you have applied to a job in Oklahoma? That is one of the last places I would ever want to live?" Cody said, "I don't know I was just applying for any supervisor job."  I have always said "God will lead us to the place we are supposed to be."  But Oklahoma? Yuck.  I told Cody to just go ahead and call them and see what they had to say.  He called and the recruiter told Cody that he hadn't applied for the job, the recruiter found Cody's resume online and was interested in him.  Umm, say what? If thats not God opening a door I don't know what is.  The job sounded great for Cody, great experience and the pay was do able. He told Cody that if he was still interested then he should apply for the job.  We kind of prolonged it because honestly there is nothing there for us.  It's an hour and half to the nearest Whole Foods.  You all know I have to have a Whole Foods.  No Ikea?? What.... No, No this isn't going to work. LOL!!  But after watching a sermon last sunday night from our church, all the doubts and selfishness hit me right in the gut.  When God opened a door for Abraham, he went without hesitation.  Enter guiltiness now! I know deep down that God has a place for us, it might not be where we want it to be, but we have to let go and trust.  Cody had been emailing the recruiter back and forth for a week about insurance benefits, because in Cody's mind if Carter isn't going to get the help then he's not going to leave a job that might potentially give him that.  I understand the logistics of it.  I really do.  Why would we fight so hard and for so long to receive these Autism benefits and then turn around and leave right when they are being handed to us?  Doesn't make sense. So what's selfish? Staying so Carter can get the therapy we want him to have or putting aside the therapy and going through the door that God has opened for us?? Seriously, Everything was going so smoothly, everything was making perfect sense and then this. This is one of the hardest decisions ever. Nothing has been officially offered but it just makes me wonder what should we be doing?  Bottom line, we are here to serve God's purpose and not out own.  As a parent though, it feels wrong to not give your child something you think he needs but it also feels wrong to doubt the plans God may have for us.  Tonight's sermon was about the fear that holds us back from going when God calls us to do something.   Hmm this is all starting to hit me even more.  The best part I got out of it is also the hardest to swallow.  If God commands us to go somewhere and we do it, he will bless us.  It all sounds so good and all but letting go and actually acting on it is so hard.  It sounds so silly and yet degrading to say "How can trust God to handle my sons Autism? How will he thrive without this treatment that could help him so much?"  He created Carter this way for a reason and he is the ultimate in control, if I trust in God I have to trust that he will take care of our baby boy.  So what did we decide? We haven't really decided yet.  But we did agree that it sounded like God was opening a door and the best thing to do with it is follow it through.  He applied for the job, and if its meant to be than God will lead the way!

Roller Coaster

I sit down to write a new post and I have no idea where to start so in a way I'm speechless.  Life has been an emotional roller-coaster the last week.  Just after my post last week about God speaking to me about homeschooling and that something better was in store for us my husband received a phone call from Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville,TN about a job.  We were really hopeful that things would turn out.  What a great opportunity for Cody to work with a well known hospital with plenty of learning opportunities.  After the first phone call we had mixed emotions.  We were happy to hear from someone but at the same time it was just a waiting game to see if they would call again.  The next day I tried to block it out and not even think about it.  Thanks to a trip to the zoo it was working.  While we were at the zoo Cody received a phone call from them again.  This one defiantly sounded more serious.  They asked him about how much research he had done about relocating there, had we looked at homes in the area, explaining the shift and what all it entailed and then asking if he would be willing to come for a personal interview.  The lady told him that she would get in contact with another lady who would finish the screenings and get back with him.  We were really excited thinking he would be going for a interview but of course came the waiting to hear back.  The next day nothing, the day after that nothing.  Cody logged into the hospital website to view his application status and it said no longer a candidate for the position.  Ummm enter heart sinking feeling NOW!  We were really bummed but I kept trying to be optimistic about the situation.  I told Cody that obviously it wasn't were God wanted us to be and that one day he will open the door to the right place. Cody told me that he had left a voicemail for the lady at the hospital to follow up with her and also thank her for her time calling and speaking with him.  Later that day the first lady that called him called him back and was asking him some more questions about how flexible he was on the income.  He explained to her that he was willing to listen to any offer they had but also told her that he had seen that he was no longer a candidate online.  She said that she had no idea about that and if that was the case why would she have been instructed to call him back and speak with him.  She said she would do some emailing and see what was going on.  She explained to him that there was several opportunities coming up as well.  After the phone call I think Cody was starting to feel a little more optimistic but me.... not so much.  At that point I was over it.  Either they don't want to tell him the truth or they don't have their stuff together.  Who knows maybe it't a technical thing that occurred.  It's a long shot but I guess I could give them the benefit of the doubt.  In my mind I'm moving on.  Cody is back to the application process again.  If they call then great but my thinking is if they are so concerned about how much money he is making then they obviously aren't willing to pay him close to that so to me that's a no go!  I told Cody maybe this job opportunity wasn't about a real job  but a phone call from God saying "Congrats, you listened to what I told you to do. This is to show you I am here and Im paying attention.  Something will happen but just be patient."  Honestly it gives me goose bumps either way.  He spoke, I listened and then he spoke again to confirm it.  Bravo God Bravo!  I asked Cody "How many times do you think we will have to go though this roller coaster of emotions until we find a job opportunity that sticks?"  Of course he didn't have an answer but obviously we hope that it's not too long.