Holding on

As we faced another disappointment from Cody's employer I began to become very anxious about how this decision would effect our family.  As some of you know Cody was pretty much asked to train to be an MRI tech at the hospital.  After years of hard work he earned his Bachelors degree. Our goal all along was for him to leave that horrid place.  After all, they deny Carter just about every medical therapy that he needs.  As soon as he graduated he started filling out numerous applications for jobs.  In the midst of that he was approached by another co worker to train to do MRI.  After much back and forth with the manager of the department about pay and schedule the manager told him that he was going to train but that they had to go through a bunch of 'technicalities' to officially be hired, but promised she would not go back on her word.   After months of back and forth and preparing in our minds all the bills we would be able to knock out and affording to send Carter to a university model school (that he was already accepted to) we were hit with unfortunate news.  The day we had been waiting for to finally receive the answer had come and I was on pins and needles.  Cody sent me a text message letting me know he was going into the office to get the official word.  As I waited I became very anxious about what this would do to our family if he didn't get the position.  So much was riding on this.  How would I support my husband if he faced yet another defeat with his employer?  As I waited and felt myself overcome with nervousness I sat down at my desk, closed my eyes and prayed out to god.  "Tell me what to do, Give me your guidance!" In the midst of my emotional storm, peace came over me.  Within my heart I heard him say "It will be ok, he won't get the job.  You will homeschool Carter and in doing so greater things are waiting for you.  Be patient and something will come up within the year."  In that moment I had such clarity and peace.  After that I knew in my heart that Cody didn't get the job and was just waiting on the text to confirm it.  Of course the text came saying that they decided to hire someone else who already had an MRI certification and that they were concerned about training him since he had managerial aspirations.  Wow! What kind of company holds someone back because they want to move up, that seems backwards, but totally predictable from them.  I looked at the numbers to see if we could still afford to send Carter to school and we could have but that would have been it, all of our money, no margin for error or a sickness.  I just knew despite the fact I would prefer him go to school, I couldn't shake what God had instructed me to do.  Doubt was starting to fill my mind.  "How can I homeschool?  Its too late to plan anything.  Where do I begin?  Im not equipped to do this.  How will this effect Carter and I's relationship?"  Not only was it bad that in my head I was having doubt, but then I started to receive it from the outside.  It made so much sense what people were saying, all the cons of homeschooling.  I got it I really did.  But I just know 100% that God spoke to me and that just isn't something I can turn away from.  I love Jamie Grace and her songs always hit home with me.  She has one song thats called 'Holding On' and it really hit me when I was having doubts about homeschooling.  Part of the song says, "I just keep holding on to what I believe. Oh I believe I you, Give me the strength to fight and a heart to believe when its hard to believe in you....  Oh and these are the times when doubts tryin' to creep in and I need a reason thats larger than life when hope seems hard to find. If only I could fight just a little longer I know its going to make me stronger."  Oh yea those are some strong words.  I don't understand why God has called me to do this with an already strained relationship with Carter.  Maybe homeschooling will fill our days with much needed structure in his schedule that he needs.  Maybe it will improve our relationship.  Maybe its because 2 months into going to school Cody would have gotten a job out of state that would have made it a difficult transition for Carter and a waste of money in tuition.  Who knows what the lord has planned.  What I am sure of is that he spoke to me so much that I just can't ignore it.  He knows what he's doing even though it's hard for me to believe.  I do however trust him so all I can do is dive in feet first and trust that everything is going to work out.